Just me

Today has been interesting, at least to me. It started off kind of sleepy. Literally I slept all morning. I also did my homework for the week which was rewrite a Hemingway short story from the perspective of one of the characters. I find his work to be REALLY BORING so that was really dull for me. I then trekked over to the library to print it out (and was once again reminded how awesome the library is here) and on my way back decided it was a nice enough day outside to go hike up the Ochil Hills again. I ran into a couple that is here that I really like and asked them to come with me but they were heading into town so I made the journey by myself. This time it turned into a walk of self reflection.

This time I was not as overwhelmed by the scenery and therefore noticed the smaller details. Like the bees. I never noticed the bees before. Or the sound of the ground crunching under my feet. I love that sound. I can walk in silence for hours just listening to that. But there was more to hear. The sound of the wind flying over the slopes and the feel of it whipping through my hair made me feel so, amazing. I noticed little paths made by the sheep and different cliffs I had not noticed before. I was so tired and yet I wanted to run around laughing.
It is hard to describe exactly what I felt up there. I was so exhausted but I still went all the way to the top and when I got there I just stood and felt the wind hitting me. I looked around and was overwhelmed with emotion. I realized then that I am in love with this place. I have never felt so comfortable anywhere on earth so quickly and I have never been so content all the time before. I am happy here, I am truly happy here, and if you know me that is a hard thing to accomplish. I feel like this place was made for me. It sounds silly. All the years of history, war, and change all for a place to be perfect for me, but it feels that way. All that history is what is part of what makes this place perfect. I crave history, I need to feel it in the air and feel it seeping inside me when I walk around. There are not many places I have ever felt that but this is one of them. Another thing is the culture here. Now I may not have spent a lot of time with the locals yet or in the city, but I still love it. This place is barely a city. It is so small compared to any American cities and it is beautiful. All the buildings are old and you don't feel crowded. The people make sense too. The pubs close at midnight on weekdays. That irritates a lot of the Americans I am with but it makes complete sense to me and makes me feel better about going out. The city itself is so much safer than any city I have ever been in before as well. I actually enjoy going into town.
Another aspect, probably the biggest one, is the land. The land the land the land. I could walk around the countryside here for the rest of my life and be happy. This past year I realized I am deeply connected to the land around me, and that is part of the reason I am so unhappy at school. There is no land on Long Island. It has been destroyed by suburbs and pollution. When I go home to the country it is always like a breath of fresh air. I feel like I can finally relax and be me when I am at home. Here, the land is more amazing and magical than anything I have ever seen before. I feel so connected and attached to everything here. Every tree, flower, mountain feels like home to me. I felt more alive on that mountain today than I can ever feeling in my entire life. Some people are probably reading this (if anyone is still reading this far in) and thinking I sound like some weird hippie, but I truly believe every living thing has a spirit and I am completely in tune with everything here.
 
On the way down from the mountain I was just overcome with joy. I wanted to run down the mountain. I wanted to laugh and scream like a little kid. At certain points, when there was no one around, I did give into the impulse and run down the slopes. It felt like a little kid again. I was flashing back to when we lived in the old house and I spent my days running through the woods at a dead sprint. I never really remembered how I managed to do that without falling as now a days I am not the most graceful. But today it came back to me. As I sped down the rocky and slippery slopes it was instinctual. My brain knew where to put my feet before my mind did and I found myself flying.  I was jumping from rock to rock and splashing through mud, but I never fell. I was so happy. Maybe I have found something I lost a long time ago. I loved the woods I grew up in. I loved them and knew them. It was in those trees I had always felt content and myself. That is until I got older and became scared of what lurked in the woods. I blame modern society and my sister for that. But up in the mountains I felt like connection and joy like I haven't in so long, and maybe that is where the instinct came from. If I could I would have been running all over the hills singing at the top of my lungs or laughing. Maybe I am losing my mind, but I don't want to lose this feeling. But maybe it is just that, a passing feeling that I need to let go of when the time comes.

Maybe I am naive, and don't know what living in Scotland would really be like. After all I am only here for four weeks and have only been here for one week of that so far. I know so many people leave Scotland, or the UK, and never want to come back. There has to be a reason for that right? And could I really leave the USA? I love my country and I feel like I would be betraying it by living somewhere else, even if it wasn't permanent. Maybe this entire thing is a ridiculous fantasy, a dream that is never mean to come true, but right now that doesn't matter. All I know is that I have never felt this way in my life. I am happier, more alive, and more at peace than I have ever been, and when I think of when I have to leave Scotland, I feel so upset and depressed. I want to cry when I think of that day, and that is perhaps the greatest indicator of all.